


When Do I Come Home?

by robron_til_the_end



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M, Prison
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-25 15:56:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9827549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robron_til_the_end/pseuds/robron_til_the_end
Summary: Multi chapter fic, based on Aaron coming out of prison, set a few months into the future. Aaron can't cope with readjustment to the world outside. This is going to get very dark, I warn you in advance! Don't really want to say more, you'll see as it unfolds!





	1. Chapter 1

On the way to the prison, it was a full car. Robert wanted to be the one picking Aaron up, and he’d got his way, but only if Liv and Chas could go with him. But he was almost brimming with excitement. He knew Aaron would take some readjusting to life outside after six months behind bars, but even that couldn’t dampen Robert’s enthusiasm. He hadn’t kissed his husband in months, and he needed to see him. And he hadn’t seen Aaron smile in months either, so having him home would be such a relief. The strain of the past few months had been awful for absolutely everyone, but Robert knew Aaron had had it the hardest by far. He hadn’t talked about his time in prison, not on visits and not on the phone either, and Robert hadn’t pushed. Aaron was the one with no escape from it, he got to say whether he talked about it or not.

“I think I should go in on my own,” Robert said once he‘d parked. “So we don’t overwhelm him.”

“Oh! But…” Liv started.

“He’s right,” Chas said. “I know you want to see him, I do too, but… Robert’s his husband, it’s only right.”

“Hopefully I won’t be too long,” Robert said as he got out of the car, even as Liv huffed.

* * *

 

Robert couldn’t help but bounce his knee up and down as he waited for Aaron to be released. He had this kind of nervous energy about him that he couldn’t explain. He wanted to see his husband, it had been so long since he’d even held his hand.

Looking at his watch, he realised it hadn’t actually been that long when the door opened and Aaron appeared, flanked by two officers and a tired, forced looking smile on his face. There were black circles under his eyes and he looked almost ten years older than he had on their wedding day. Maybe it was the relief of finally being out, but Aaron actually looked worse than he did on visiting days. Maybe because he didn’t have to keep the front up any more, he could let it all go.

“Hi,” Robert said, knowing the relief was clear on his own face.

“Free to go?” Aaron asked bluntly to the officers, one of whom nodded and turned away from Aaron. Robert smiled and kissed him, though it was brief, Aaron turning his head away.

Robert knew Aaron didn’t do public displays of affection, but it had been six months after all.  
“Just… get me out of here,” Aaron said. Robert did, leading the way to the car, now feeling at a loss for what to say. Aaron didn’t seem… _normal_. Robert couldn’t think of a better word to describe it, but he wasn’t the Aaron he was used to, even with their limited contact lately.  
Once they were outside, Aaron drew in a deep breath of the (relatively) fresh air and sighed. “I should warn you,” Robert said. “Liv and Chas are in the car.”

“Why’d you do that?” Aaron said darkly.

“They wanted to see you,” Robert said. “And no, I couldn’t stop them,” he added at Aaron’s disheartened look. “Aaron, talk to me.”

“I can’t,” he said. “Please, just…” Aaron sighed and Robert put both hands on his hips, facing him and stopping him from walking. Aaron froze, not liking or wanting the contact from Robert right now.

“You’re free,” Robert said.

“No,” Aaron said. “I don’t feel like it yet.” He forced another smile. “I am glad to see you, though.”

Robert decided he’d take that right now. It was the best he’d got in weeks after all.

“They’re over here,” Robert said as they carried on walking, though he hadn’t needed to. Liv was standing outside the car, the biggest smile on her face as she saw Aaron, throwing her arms around him.

“You got taller,” Aaron said, as Liv didn’t quite tuck into his shoulder the way she used to.

“It’s so good you’re home!” she almost squealed. “You should see the house, it’s amazing, I’m so glad we bought it, it’s going to be…”

“Let him breathe,” Chas said, giving her son a hug. Aaron let her for a moment before they all piled into the car, Robert driving, Aaron in the passenger seat. Everyone in the car was grateful for Liv. She chattered on about the house, Gabby, even school, when none of the three adults could think of anything to say. Aaron was surly and silent, and he didn’t seem in any rush to catch up with what was going on in their lives.

Robert parked the car outside The Mill, wanting to show Aaron their new home. He was proud of the work he’d put into it. In the first few weeks of Aaron’s imprisonment he’d asked for his opinion on everything from paint colours to furniture, and he’d listened. Mostly.

“Don’t you want to see it?” Robert asked nervously as Aaron showed no signs of wanting to leave the car.

“No,” Aaron said quietly, looking almost lost. “I want to go home.” It occurred to Robert that The Mill wasn’t home for him, not yet, and Aaron wanted somewhere that was his, somewhere _safe._ Chas caught Robert’s eyes and they did some quick silent thinking.

“You’re welcome at the pub, love,” she said. “You always are.”

“Great,” Aaron said dully. He opened the door and walked up the street away from Robert, leaving the three of them speechless.

“Welcome home,” Liv said sarcastically as Robert's heart plummeted.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for violence and self harm in this chapter. Aaron's not self harming, but the other characters mention it. Thank you so much for the encouragement on Chapter one, I'm overwhelmed!!

  
Thankfully the back door of the pub was unlocked, even more thankfully, no one stopped Aaron as he went up the stairs, seeking privacy. He had not been alone in six months. The first thing he did was go to the bathroom and lock the door. Only then could he let out the sigh of relief that had been building for quite some time. He was alone. God, that felt good.

Aaron checked the lock three times before turning the shower on, hot. How much he’d kill to get clean right about now. He had a long, hot shower, trying to scrub the memories of the last six months off his skin. To finally feel like he could stop being on edge all the time, to hopefully feel like he was home.

When Aaron turned the water off and wrapped a towel around himself, he could hear the shouting downstairs. Not the words, but the voices. Robert and his mum were giving it hell for leather downstairs. Oddly, it didn’t upset him, the familiarity of it was almost comforting. Two voices, two people who cared about him. Aaron put on the clothes he’d just taken off, though he rather wouldn’t have. He hadn’t thought to bring clean clothes with him. He heard the footsteps coming up the stairs, and even after months of not hearing them, he recognised Roberts tread.

“Aaron,” Robert said calmly, knocking on the bathroom door. “Let me in. Or… talk to me, just… let me know you’re all right.”

“Fine,” Aaron almost grunted. “Give me two minutes.” Robert fell silent but Aaron wasn’t stupid, he knew Robert was the other side of that door, waiting.

* * *

 

_The back room, five minutes earlier._

“I think Aaron made it perfectly clear he wants to be left alone,” Chas said, not liking Robert being so confrontational.

“Well tough,” Robert said loudly. “He’s going to have to talk to me at some point. He’s my husband, I need to know he’s okay.”

“Well, he’s obviously not okay!” Chas shouted. They both knew he’d jumped into the shower, they could hear the water pipes gurgling distantly.

“So what’s your great solution?” Robert asked. “Wait until he cuts himself too deep?”

“He’s not self harming,” Chas said, like she had to hold onto that fact.

“And you know that how?” Robert asked. “He’s instantly gone to the room where razors are kept as soon as he gets home!”

“Oh come on, he isn’t stupid,” Chas said, shaking her head, refusing to believe it.

“Did he look like the Aaron we said goodbye to months ago?” Robert snapped back. “I’m going upstairs.”

“Leave him alone,” Chas said.

“No,” Robert replied. “If he wants me to sod off, he’s going to have to tell me himself.” He pushed past Chas and went upstairs, fear filling him. If Aaron hurt himself again, he’d… Actually he had no idea what he’d do. Standing outside the bathroom, he could hear the water had stopped running. Robert took a deep breath, forcing the panic out of his voice.

“Aaron?” he called, knocking on the door. “Let me in.” Then he thought better of that, if Aaron really did want to be alone he wouldn’t want Robert invading his personal space. “Or… talk to me, just… let me know you’re all right.”

“Fine.” Aaron said. “Give me a two minutes.” Robert relaxed very slightly. So he was still here and able bodied then, that was good. Robert looked at his watch and timed him, determined not to push. Even when two minutes had passed, though by that time Robert had worked himself up to a state, thinking that every possible worst case scenario.

“What?” Aaron asked sharply, opening the door and staring at Robert.

“Take your top off,” Robert said instantly, and Aaron looked completely bewildered and almost alarmed. “I want to see the damage you’ve done, I need to know if you need an ambulance.”

“I’ve not cut,” Aaron said.

“Well, you’ve lied about that before,” Robert said, having little confidence. “I need to see it, come on.” Robert reached out for him, but the second his fingertips brushed across Aaron’s chest, Aaron grabbed his wrist and forced him away.

“No,” Aaron said firmly. “Don’t.” Aaron’s eyes flicked and he nodded to their old bedroom. Robert followed him and closed the door, flicking the light on. “You’re not going to let it drop are you?” Aaron asked.

“Good thing to know you still know me,” Robert said, trying for lightness. Aaron sighed, but shuffled off his shirt anyway. Robert bit his bottom lip to stop from gasping. Aaron’s skin, his beautiful body was marked and raw, but it was obvious it hadn’t been done by his own hand. Bruises, red patches littered his chest and it looked tender and painful. Robert couldn’t stop looking, the bruises were in different stages of healing, some blue, some yellow. Which meant they’d been inflicted on him at different times.

“Told you I wasn’t cutting,” Aaron said, throwing his shirt back on, hating Robert’s sympathetic stares.

“And this is better?” Robert asked faintly.

“It’ll heal,” Aaron said, shrugging. “I want to be alone.”

“Why?” Robert asked. “I’ve missed you so much, and I know you’ve missed me, even if you lie.”

“Because I’ve not slept,” Aaron said honestly. “You don’t sleep in prison. You close your eyes but you don’t ever get rest, you’re just waiting for the next thing to happen. I would love some sleep somewhere I know is safe.” Aaron cleared his throat. “I’ve spent months so alert to any movement, if you’re here, I’m not going to sleep. I know I won’t.”

“Okay,” Robert said. “Please, please promise me you won’t do anything stupid.”

“I won’t,” Aaron said. He reached across the gap and pressed his lips to Robert’s lingeringly. “I might sleep for a good twenty four hours. I am _so_ tired, Robert.”

“Okay,” Robert said. “I’ll get your phone charged and get it to you, so you can call me if you need anything.”

“Thanks,” Aaron said, meaning it. Robert reluctantly left Aaron alone and Aaron sighed. This could be complicated for him, but right now he needed sleep. He hadn’t lied, he was so tired that even the disused smell of their old room couldn’t dissuade him. It was obvious no one slept here any more, but he didn’t care. The mattress was softer than what he had been sleeping on, the quilt warmer. The curtains closed, shutting out all the light, leaving him in darkness for the first time in such a long time. Aaron curled up in bed, closed his eyes and slept.


	3. Chapter 3

Aaron woke up suddenly, every muscle in his body tense as he came back to awareness. He didn’t know where he was, it was pitch black. And then it came to him. He was home, in his bed above the pub. Aaron breathed in deeply, trying to let go of the fear and relax. He looked at the clock, but the battery had died. It had to be evening because he could hear the noise filtering up from the pub, and he opened his bedroom door. Outside was a plate with burger and chips, and his phone with it’s charger. He took both back into the safety of the bedroom and turned the light on. The food was stone cold, but the chips weren’t actually that bad cold.

He looked through his phone and by habit went to Robert’s number. It wasn’t there. He checked again and frowned. Under R all he had was Ross and Rhona, neither of whom people he wanted to speak to. Instead he scrolled through his contacts and then almost snorted. Robert had changed his name and his picture in Aaron’s phone. The picture was one of Robert in that gorgeous blue suit he wore on their wedding day, and the name the contact was saved under was “husband.” Aaron hit call and waited two rings for it to be answered.

“You’re a sentimental git,” Aaron said.

“Hello to you too,” Robert said. “And… why?”

“You changed your name in my phone,” Aaron said.

“What? Oh!” he said as it dawned on him. “Yeah, I did that a while ago. When I wanted to think of something good.”

“That day’s what I thought about when I wanted to think of something good too,” Aaron admitted.

“Are you ready to talk?” Robert asked.

“I don’t think so,” Aaron said. “But I do feel better for some sleep, some proper rest. And I wanted to call you. Sure that‘s not the homecoming you had in mind.”

“Not exactly,” Robert said. “I want you home with me. Here.”

“Don’t push,” Aaron said warningly. “I need time. I am enjoying that we’re having a conversation that no one else can overhear though.”

“Aaron… do you want me to come over?”

Aaron thought about it for a moment. “No,” he said. “I’m sorry, I need more sleep, I’m not…” he sighed. “I’m not sure where my head is right now, but I wanted to say sorry for how I came home. I’m sorry for Liv as well, I know that’s not what she wanted.”

“She’ll be fine,” Robert said. “She does want to see you though.”

“Rob…”

“You’re not the only one who’s been so lonely,” Robert said sharply.

“No,” Aaron said. “I know that, but I lived in that hell. So… I’ll be over tomorrow, okay?”

“Fine,” Robert said. “I’ve missed you.”

“You too,” Aaron said. “I’ll call if… I know it sounds soft but I wanted to hear your voice.”

“Good,” Robert said. “Call me whatever time.”

“Bye.” Aaron put his phone down and curled up in bed, trying to relax again. He had a feeling Robert was going to want more from him than he was ready to give. But he’d worry about that in the morning.

* * *

 

It was the end of August, the summer holidays drawing to a close and the country was in the middle of a heat wave. Which meant the next morning as Aaron approached The Mill, the window was open and he could hear the normal homely noises coming from the kitchen.

“...not your personal slave Liv,” Robert was saying. “You’re on holiday, why aren’t you doing what most teenagers do and lying in bed all day?”

“It’s so hot,” she said. “My room’s boiling.”

“Draw the curtains so the sun doesn’t come in at five in the morning then,” Robert said. It made Aaron feel almost excluded. They’d set up this great family life, clearly in a routine as the argument sounded memorised and familiar. What did they need him for? Then Aaron approached the door and he wasn’t sure if he should knock or use his key. It wasn’t his home, not yet. He’d never even set foot in the actual building when it wasn’t covered in scaffolding, so he knocked.

Liv was the one who opened the door. “Hi,” Aaron said.

“Are you back to normal?” she asked bluntly.

“Not quite,” Aaron said honestly. “But I’ve missed you.” Liv’s face broke out into a wide smile and she hugged him tight, not letting him go. Aaron let her. “Amazing what a lot of sleep can do for you,” he told her. She let him go, but was still smiling.

“Why’d you knock?”

“Because it doesn’t feel like my home yet,” he said, though he was speaking to Robert over Liv’s shoulder. His eyes had lit up, but he wasn’t smiling.

“Liv, you’re going to be late for Gabby,” Robert said.

“Yeah, right,” she scoffed. “You just want to get rid of me.”

“Maybe,” Robert said. Liv rolled her eyes but didn’t argue, grabbing her phone and leaving the house.

“So happy you’re home!” she called over her shoulder. Aaron shut the door behind her, his eyes darting around the house.

“I really hope you like what I’ve done with it,” Robert said nervously. “I did try to take what you said on board, but… it was difficult.”

“Stop rambling,” Aaron said affectionately. “I’m sure it’s fine.” He was standing in the hall, and all he could see was that and a slice of the kitchen. Though his own coat was hanging there, and his work boots were by the doormat. They’d clearly kept touches of him around the place. “A cup of tea’d be good,” Aaron suggested. Robert smiled and walked through to the kitchen, giving Aaron time to look around. The wooden kitchen table took up a fair proportion of the room, the cabinets all had dark blue tops and it looked lived in, nice. Aaron did smile when he saw pictures from their wedding day stuck on the fridge. Robert wasn’t a “fridge magnet” kind of man, so he knew that touch was for him. Or from Liv’s influence.

“What do you think?” Robert asked, nervous.

“It’s great,” Aaron said sitting down. “I really don’t think you lost much with no input from me on the design.”

“How are you?” Robert asked, putting their cups in front of them and sitting next to him. Close enough to touch if he needed, but not pushing it.

“Better after sleep,” Aaron said. It was true after all, even if better didn’t mean normal.

“I don’t know what to say to you,” Robert said. “I was so happy to see you yesterday, to have you home and…”

“I know,” Aaron said. “It’s hard being in there, that doesn’t mean I can just slot back into life like I never left it.”

“How hurt were you?” Robert asked, after studying him for a moment.

“Robert, you’ve seen it. I’m fine, I’ll get through it, I always do.”

“That’s not what I’m asking you,” Robert said. “You didn’t want to be near me, you didn’t want to come here. _Home_. You backed away when I tried to touch you yesterday. Or when I kissed you when you were released.”

“Go on, then,” Aaron said, incredibly defensive at the implication. “Say it.”

“I really don’t want to have to,” Robert said sadly. But Aaron wasn’t budging, and he had this defiant look on his face Robert didn’t like one bit. “Fine,” he said, letting out his breath in a sigh. “Were you raped?” Aaron looked at the table, one hundred percent determined not to fall apart in front of Robert. Not now.

“Yes.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I managed to pull off another chapter today, how'd that happen?! This gets a bit heavy, and again mentions of self harm as a warning, but I hope you "like" it anyway!

The silence felt too heavy and Aaron felt too ashamed after that admission. He should have lied, should have kept his mouth shut. Robert didn’t need to know, he’d get over it with time. Though it was slightly worrying how well Robert knew him, that he could pin down what was wrong with him so easily. “Aaron…” Robert started softly.

“Don’t, all right?” Aaron said harshly. “I don’t want the sympathy.”

“What do you want?” Robert asked, unable to believe he was having this conversation _again_ with Aaron. This wasn’t right, or fair.

“I want us to be normal, I want us to be the way we were before. Things were so good, I don’t want to wreck that.”

“Are we seriously going to pretend this didn’t happen?” Robert asked. “You know it doesn’t work like that.”

“Yes, Robert,” Aaron said sarcastically. “I am aware it doesn’t work like that.”

“Are you going to tell me anything more?” Robert asked.

“Oh, you want the gory details?“ Aaron snapped.

“Taking your anger out on me won’t help,” Robert advised.

“Oh, you know it all now, do you?” Aaron said.

“Don’t you dare,” Robert said quietly, getting up from the table and facing away from him, looking down at the kitchen sink. “Don’t pretend you know what it did to me, to know that someone had hurt you like that in the past. I hid it from you, how much it hurt me, I never let you see it because you needed me to be strong at the time. To know that’s happened again, that someone’s done that to the man I love has…” his voice broke and Aaron felt guilty. None of this was Robert’s fault, and he shouldn’t have snapped, he just felt so angry. Aaron got up and put a hand to the centre of Robert’s back.

“Don’t,” Aaron said. “I don’t mean to snap, I can’t… I…” Aaron sighed. He’d never been great with words at the best of times.

Robert’s lips hardly moved, as if he was afraid of the answer to the next question. “Was it more than once?”

Aaron thought quickly about what to say, but clearly the look on his face gave it away and Robert sighed, covering his face with his hand. His left, Aaron noticed, his wedding ring stark against his skin. “Does it matter?” Aaron asked.

“Of course it matters!” Robert said. “I… oh God.” He tried to pull himself together, Aaron rubbing soothing circles on his back.

“Didn’t think it’d be me comforting you,” Aaron said grumpily. Robert turned around and looked at him, eyes wet.

“Sorry, you’re right,” Robert said. “I need to be strong for you.”

“That wasn’t quite what I meant,” Aaron said. Robert took a step towards him and Aaron instantly flinched, an instinctive reaction which Robert couldn’t help but notice.

“How many times?” Robert asked.

“Until I stopped fighting back,” Aaron said, almost through gritted teeth, looking at the floor.

“Aaron!”

“I was trapped in a building with criminals, rapists, people who get off on control and power. What were you expecting to happen?” Aaron snapped at him. Then took a deep breath. “I don’t want to talk about it, because it won’t change anything.”

“You can’t bottle this up, you can’t pretend it didn’t happen and…” They were interrupted by a knock on the door and Aaron took the distraction gratefully. “We’re not finished,” Robert called after him. Aaron ignored him and smiled as he opened the door. It was Adam.

“Hey! Heard you were back,” he said easily, pulling Aaron into a hug. Aaron let him with a smile and Robert felt a dart of jealousy. He’d not been allowed to hold Aaron like that in months, and Aaron’s best friend got to? “Want to skive off for the day?”

“Work must be going well,” Aaron said.

“Yeah, we're making do,” Adam said. “Come on!”

“Aaron,” Robert said warningly.

“A couple of hours,” Aaron said to his best mate as a concession. “Not seen my husband in a while after all.”

“Great!” Adam said. “Oh, your cars up at the yard and…” Robert didn’t hear much else as the door closed behind them. Robert almost felt glad of some time alone. He had to work out how to pull himself together and cope with this, knowing that his husband would be so changed. Never mind the effects of being in prison, away from home for so long, they hadn't even got to that.

* * *

 

When Aaron came back, keeping his word about only been a short while, Robert sat on the stairs waiting for him. “We’ve not finished that conversation then,” Aaron said, leaning against the banister.

“I think you should talk to someone,” Robert said.

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “I think I should too. I’m a bit of a mess really, was before. Worse now.” Robert looked at him in surprise. He hadn’t expected Aaron to agree quite so quickly, he was always so resistant to talking about his feelings. Therapy sounded like his idea of a nightmare. Robert reached for his hand and Aaron snatched it away without making the conscious thought.

“How come you can touch Adam and not me?” Robert asked, hating to sound accusing or needy.

Aaron sighed, thinking about that. “I can, because there’s nothing sexual there at all. And with you there always will be,” Aaron said slowly.

“I’m not going to apologise for wanting you,” Robert said.

“No,” Aaron said. “I don’t want you to either, but… I don’t know when I’m going to be able to face sex again. That’s the honest truth.”

“I don’t love you for sex,” Robert said. “And I do. Love you, I mean. Oh shit, I’m messing all this up.” Aaron laughed, actually laughed at Robert’s struggle to make sense. Aaron sat down on the bottom step, looking up at Robert.

“I thought of you every day in there. It’s that... I don’t know how to handle how I’m feeling right now.”

“How are you feeling?” Robert pressed.

“Fragile,” Aaron admitted. “Scared and hurt. The fear doesn’t instantly go, just because I’m not there.” Then he shrugged and tried to back pedal a bit. “It wasn’t all the time, it’s not that bad. They… got bored when they stopped getting a reaction from me and started hitting me instead. Which we both know I can more than cope with.”

“I don’t like seeing you hurt like that,” Robert said. “But you’re right.” The bruises were the least of it, they’d both been hit and thrown enough punches to know they usually didn’t do lasting damage. Robert put both his hands to Aaron‘s face, cradling his head, relieved that there wasn’t any tension there. “I’m worried about in here.”

“I'm damaged. Not broken,” Aaron said, even as his eyes filled with tears. “I’ll get better.”

“Aaron…” Robert sighed, leaving one hand on Aaron’s head, threading through his hair gently, pleased Aaron let him. “How are you being so… logical?”

“One thing prison does do, it gives you a lot of time to think.”

“Did you want to hurt yourself?” Robert asked. “Or did you do it and it’s healed so I can’t see?

“No, I didn’t, but yes, I wanted to,” Aaron admitted. “But I knew…” for the first time his voice started to wobble. “I knew you’d be disappointed in me if I did. And that’s what I tried to hold onto, that feeling of…of you, really. How it felt when you kiss my scars and… not wanting to add any more.” He couldn’t hold back the tears any longer and he turned away, but Robert wouldn’t let him.

“You never have to hide from me,” Robert said, trying to inject as much honesty as he could to his voice. “We’ll make it through this, I promise.”

“Robert…” Aaron said, shaking his head. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“I’ll keep it,” Robert said. His eyes flicked to Aaron’s lips, though he didn’t move. Aaron took the sign and kissed Robert very gently.

“Let’s talk about something else,” Aaron said firmly, brushing his tears away. “Show me the rest of the house.” Robert shook his head. It seemed so frivolous now, pointless. “Distract me, show me where and how you thought we’d live.” And Robert did.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can imagine, this topic is quite draining to put up one chapter a day, so I may have to scale back a bit, just to every two days. Hope you understand, and thank you for the amazing feedback so far!!

It was a nice house, it really was. Robert’s done a great job and Aaron could tell it was a labour of love, to try and make it theirs. But to Aaron, it just doesn’t feel like his yet, it will, he knew. But not this soon.

“It’s great,” Aaron told Robert honestly, sitting on the sofa that Aaron had picked from inside prison. “Have you even slept since I’ve been gone?”

“Not much,” Robert admitted. “It’s been hard without you here.” Then he shook his head. “Look at me, moaning on.”

“Don’t,” Aaron said. “Please don’t let this change us, I need you with me.”

“It will change us,” Robert said. “Doesn’t mean I’m going to stop fighting though.” Aaron kissed him gently, then moved away, checking the time on his phone. “I have to go.”

“Where?” Robert asked. He’d only just got out after all, where would he have to be?

“I er…” he looked uncomfortable, looking down. “I need to get checked out. Before I came over this morning I called and made an appointment.”

“Checked out?” Robert asked. The Aaron’s red face and obvious embarrassment made it clear. He wanted the all clear from the doctors in case he’d caught anything in prison. Which could be likely after what Aaron had told him. “Oh. Do you want me to come with you?”

“No,” Aaron said instantly. “Want to get it over with. I won’t get the results for a while. It‘s fine.” Nothing about this was fine, and they both knew it.

“Are you okay to drive?” Robert asked.

“I’m not broken,” Aaron said sharply. “I can drive my car. I'll probably enjoy driving my car, it's been a while.”

“Okay. Call if you need anything.” Aaron nodded. “Are you staying here tonight?” Robert asked. “Not with me, I mean. We’ve got the spare room and I’m assuming you don’t want anyone else to know what happened. Chas and Liv will both start asking questions and…”

“I’ll think about it,” Aaron said darkly. “I do love you Robert.”

“Good,” Robert said. “See you later.”

* * *

 

“Oh.” Chas looked up from her glossy magazine to see Aaron coming into the back room. “What’re you doing here?”

“I live here,” Aaron said.

“Not… I thought you and Rob were…”

“Can I stay here or not?” Aaron said sharply.

“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?” Chas asked.

“No,” Aaron said. “I don’t want to be with Robert right now. I need to… stop being on edge all the time before I even try to sleep some place new.”

“He’s okay with that?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “Marlon cooking? I’m starved.” Chas let it drop for now, because Aaron clearly wasn’t in a chatty mood.

* * *

 

Robert cooked that night, to distract himself from the empty house. It shouldn’t be like this. Aaron should be here, the house had been too big for just him and Liv, and knowing he was just up the street was difficult.

“Rob?” He turned and saw Liv, her bottom lip wobbling slightly, a distinctive _Aaron_ look Robert recognised.

“Yeah?”

“What’s wrong with Aaron?” Robert sighed and turned the heat down on the cooker, sitting down at the kitchen table. Liv sat down, teeth digging into her lip.

“He was hurt in prison,” Robert said quietly, aware he couldn’t lie to her completely. Aaron had gone on and on when they visited about wanting to be home with them at the Mill and be a proper family. It was obvious there was a reason Aaron wasn’t here. “When he came home, he took his shirt off and let me see. He’s a bit bruised, but it’ll get better, he’ll heal and calm down, then he’ll come home.”

“You promise?” Liv said.

“It’s up to him,” Robert said, unable to give her that promise. “But things were so good before he went away, and I’m not stopping fighting until we’re back there.” Liv nodded sadly.

“I miss him,” she said.

“I miss him too.”

* * *

 

_He can’t move. He’s pressed to the wall, a rigid solid arm to the back of his neck, crushing him. Right now, just to keep breathing is so difficult, never mind fighting or focusing on anything else. He has to disengage his brain, he has to think of something else, something that isn’t here. This won’t last forever, he has Robert. No, Robert is a dangerous thing to think of right now, he’ll cry and that’s the reaction his attacker is looking for. Adam and the scrap yard. That’s safe, easy. He can focus on that._

_When he gets to the phone, he doesn’t know what to say. The only thing he knows is he needs Robert. He calls and Robert picks up almost instantly. “Aaron?”_

_“Just talk,” Aaron almost whispers. “Be normal.” Robert does. He rambles on about the yard, the haulage firm, the house, the fact he’s never going to get the sawdust out of his hair and it’s aged him twenty years. He talks as Aaron falls apart in silence._

_“Want to say anything?” Robert says as the call is nearing it’s end._

_“I love you,” Aaron says on the phone, something he doesn’t volunteer often, no matter the circumstances._

_“Love you more.”_

* * *

 

Aaron woke with a jerk, heart racing. He wasn’t back there, he’s safe and at home. But he’s alone which isn’t the perfect place to be right now. He didn’t want to be alone, he wanted Robert. Aaron picked up his phone and called him. When Robert answered, his voice was groggy, disorientated and Aaron knew he’d woken him. “What do you need?”

Aaron’s heart ached for him. Even in the middle of the night he put Aaron first. “I’ve had a nightmare,” Aaron admitted. “Can I come over?”

“Yeah,” Robert said. “What do you need?”

“You.”

“I’ll unlock the door and make you a tea.” Robert hung up and got out of bed. He knew the routine for a nightmare, Aaron used to have them all the time. Robert guessed realistically that was something he’d have to get used to again.

By the time the kettle had boiled and the tea was made, Aaron was there, looking shaken. Robert didn’t even have the time to ask if he could touch Aaron to reassure him, to hold him, because Aaron almost fell into his chest. Robert wrapped his arms around him and comforted him. “You’re safe," he whispered into his ear. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clearly I write when I'm upset, because I seem to be on a roll lately. Hope you "enjoy" this chapter, and thank you for the wonderful encouragement so far.

Aaron sat in the living room, wrapping his hands around his cup of tea and hunched over. He'd hurriedly dressed in jeans and a hoodie, Robert wrapped in his dressing gown. Robert was at a bit of a loss what to say. “I er… I’ve got a list of therapists with some numbers. You said you wanted to talk to someone.”

“I did,” Aaron said, though he didn’t seem exactly pleased.

“Well, if we wait for you to do it, we’ll be waiting a long time.” That did get a small smile out of him, lips twitching.

“I’m sorry I’m not normal,” Aaron said, shaking his head.

“It’s to be expected,” Robert said. “There is no such thing as normal either, by the way.”

“But I shouldn’t be like this. I can’t even sleep, I can’t…” Aaron sighed then changed the subject. “I’m just asking this because I have to get it out of my head. Have you slept with anyone else?” And Robert did one thing Aaron didn’t expect. He hesitated. “Oh my God.”

“No, it’s not what you’re thinking,” Robert said quickly. “I’ve not had sex with anyone else, I swear.” Aaron wanted to believe him so badly, but those few seconds of hesitation are telling him something different. “I did… actually sleep next to Rebecca. Once.”

“Robert…” Aaron warned, a growl in his voice.

“It isn’t what you’re thinking.”

“You don’t know what I’m thinking,” Aaron countered.

“I bloody do, I can read it all over your face,” Robert said. “She called me one night in a right state. Someone had drugged her drink, and she locked herself in the bathroom of this club in Hotten. Would you have really wanted me to ignore a phone call like that?” Aaron paused, surprised. “She was pretty much out of it by the time I got to her, I couldn’t get her to make much sense. I slept next to her to make sure she didn’t slip into unconsciousness or anything like that. She had no idea what she’d taken, and refused to go to a hospital. That is all.”

“Really?” Aaron asked.

“Well, Liv slept next to me a couple of times,” Robert said with a shrug. “When she was upset over something, but I’m assuming that doesn’t bother you.”

“What was she upset about?” Aaron asked.

“Oh, school stuff mostly,” Robert said. “She got a bit of… teasing because her brother was in prison. Don’t panic,” he added at Aaron’s look. “It’s fine, I sorted it all out.”

“What, kidnapped another teenager?”

“No, not quite,” Robert said, though he was smiling at Aaron’s look. “It’s done, it’s forgotten. You bring it up now, she‘ll only get miserable about it all over again.” 

“Okay,” Aaron said, accepting that. The last thing he wanted to do was upset Liv. “Okay. Tell me Rebecca didn’t sleep in _our_ bed.”

“No,” Robert said instantly. “I wouldn’t do that to you. Spare room, I swear.” Aaron looked at him for a moment, then nodded.

“Okay.”

“What can I do for you?” Robert asked.

“Nothing right now,” Aaron said. “Lets just… go to bed.”

“Okay…” Robert said slowly. “Here, with me, or…?”

“Here,” Aaron said. “I don’t think I’m going to sleep after… that, but being with you I think would help.” Robert nodded and they went upstairs. Aaron grabbed the duvet from the spare room and brought it to their bedroom. He wanted to sleep next to Robert, but didn’t know if he could bear to be touched yet. So Robert took his dressing gown off and curled up in bed, while Aaron watched. Aaron took his shirt and hoodie off, but otherwise stayed dressed. Robert noticed the bruises were fading a little, the harsh colours changing into yellows and Aaron let him look, trying not to feel self conscious. Aaron lay in bed, stiff and tense as he wrapped his duvet around himself.

“You don’t have to be here if you’re uncomfortable,” Robert said honestly.

“I don’t see “comfortable” happening any time soon,” Aaron admitted. Aaron turned onto his side and ran his fingers through the hair at the base of Robert’s neck, making him close his eyes at the sensation. Aaron kissed him gently, all he felt capable of and Robert gave him the most beautiful smile in return, which warmed him. 

“Goodnight.”

* * *

 

It was worth a restless night to see Liv’s face in the morning. Aaron had been tossing and turning for most of the night, every twitch Robert made waking him. Though he didn’t wake up with his heart racing every time, like he was being chased. It was different, it was more of a jolt this time. Liv was absently chewing on some toast when Aaron came downstairs and her face split into the biggest grin Aaron had ever seen. 

“You stayed here last night?” she asked hopefully.

“Looks that way,” Aaron said.

“I’m so happy,” Liv said, giving him a hug. “Now it’s really like home!”

“Ease up,” Aaron said, pulling back. “I’m not all here yet. It’ll take me some time.”

“But you’re here,” she said, smiling at him.

“Yes, he is,” Robert said, smiling at Aaron too. Suddenly the pressure became too much and Aaron had to get out of here. He couldn’t deal with the expectation from everyone here and he needed fresh air.

“Sorry,” he said, leaving the house. Robert was disappointed, but not surprised at Aaron’s departing footsteps and didn’t try to stop him from leaving.

“It’s going to take time,” Robert told her.

“I know,” she said. “I want things back to the way they were.”

“It’ll get there,” Robert said with a confidence he didn’t feel.

* * *

 

Aaron found the list of therapists crumpled in his jeans pocket and looked at them. He knew he needed help, he didn’t like living like this. He wanted to have Robert the way they were before, when they were so intimate and comfortable with each other they could kiss on the street, or in a pub full of people. He was bored of keeping Robert at arms length, especially as he’d been the one who kept him going for so long when he was in prison. He called the short list of phone numbers and made an appointment with one who’d had a cancellation. Aaron didn’t know if he’d get on with whichever therapist he chose, and he wouldn’t know either until he gave it a shot. When he got into his appointment, he was so nervous and agitated and wound up that the words just spilled from him before she could even ask him why he was here.

“I need to be fixed,” Aaron said, being as blunt as possible. “I’ve been raped, and I can’t bear it because I won’t allow my husband to touch me any more. I need it fixed.”

 


	7. Chapter 7

Time slowly went by. Aaron split his time between the Woolpack and the Mill, not really staying at either enough to call one home. Aaron went back to work, which for the first few days really was mucking around with Adam and laughter rather than actual “work.” Liv had brightened somewhat, happy with having Aaron around, coming and going as he pleased, and Robert’s relief that Aaron was home had vanished. Because the Aaron he left wasn’t all back with him yet. And most importantly at all, Aaron kept going to therapy. Not with much enthusiasm, but he knew he needed help and he was honestly trying.

Robert had bookmarked a few web pages, how to help with your partner after sexual assault, and how to help with readjustment after prison release but Robert wasn’t sure it was helping. Last time… _last time_ , what a stupid unfair bitter thought. How could one man bear so much? But last time had been easier, because nothing had actually changed. It had all been brought up again, and was fresh as he’d relived it, but the abuse had happened before Robert had ever even met him, so physically things were the same. Or better actually, the novelty of both of them being honest and openly together. But now, he’d closed himself off and didn’t want to be touched. And that part of their communication was so key for their relationship that Robert missed it.

He was up in the office up at the scrap yard, attempting not to crowd Aaron and ask how he was twenty times a day. But the work did need doing and Nicola wasn’t here. Aaron came in, eyes bright and closed the door sharply.

“What’s wrong?” Robert asked, seeing him agitated.

“Nothing,” he said. “For once, something’s right. I got the results back from the clinic. I’m clean, I… can forget it all.”

“That’s great,” Robert said sincerely, though he knew forgetting it wouldn’t be that easy. Aaron looked at him and Robert knew the silent signal that he wanted to be held and he got up, pulling Aaron to him. Aaron tensed but only for half a second before he relaxed into Robert’s body. He smelt like his leather jacket, familiar and wonderful. Aaron nudged into Robert’s neck suggestively his nose pressing against the skin gently. Robert backed away a fraction, looking into Aaron’s eyes. Neither would be able to say who moved first, but they were kissing. And it was different this time, not hello or goodbye kisses, not soft and reassuring, but passionate and desperate. It took all the willpower Robert had to not throw Aaron against a wall and strip him, wanting him so badly after so many months without.

“Okay,” Aaron breathed, eyes closed. “Enough.” Robert stopped, focusing on the feeling of his husband in his arms where he belonged.

“Was it too much?” Robert asked and Aaron shook his head.

“Just enough.”

* * *

 

Aaron came home that night, kicked off his work boots and sat on the sofa, turning the TV on. It was such a homely, normal sight that both Robert and Liv caught each others eyes and grinned. “You want an early night?” Robert suggested, not very subtle. She rolled her eyes and held out her hand which Robert silently put a ten pound note in.

“You staying here tonight?” Robert asked, going into the living room. Aaron muted the TV and looked at Robert sitting on the edge of the coffee table.

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “If that’s…”

“More than okay,” Robert said. “I like having you here and so does Liv.”

“Mm,”

“Aaron…” Robert started. He had something he wanted to ask, but it was awkward and he didn’t know how Aaron was going to take it. “Why’s it different this time?” Robert asked bitterly. “I mean, that’s a sentence I shouldn’t even have to say, but… it’s happened to you before and we survived. _You_ survived stronger. Our relationship just got better and better after that… man was removed. I’m not saying this to upset you,” he added, because that’s the last thing he wanted to do.

“You haven’t upset me,” Aaron said. He’d been waiting for Robert to ask that, because after all, this wasn’t new to either of them. Aaron suffering and Robert being the support. “This is harder, because I knew,” Aaron said. “Before, when I was a kid I didn’t understand. Not really. It wasn’t like I understood what sex was meant to be, I just knew that what was happening was wrong and dirty, and it hurt but… this time… I know how good it can be and that… it should never be like _that_.”

“Aaron…”

“That’s what two hundred quid of therapy’s taught me so far anyway,” Aaron tried lightly. “I want you, I want us. But I’m too afraid that… if you do something I don’t like or can’t cope with, I’ll snap and I’ll hurt you, and all that’ll do is make things worse.”

“I’m not going to leave you, because you lash out,” Robert said. “If I was going to do that, I’d have done it years ago!” Aaron smiled at that.

“I want to look at you.” Robert stood still, arms open. “No, not like that.” Robert nodded and started unbuttoning his shirt, taking it off and standing naked from the waist up. Aaron looked over him, remembering the familiar shapes of his body. What that body could do to him, make him feel.

“You’ve put weight on,” Aaron teased, eyes sparkling. He hadn’t, he still looked perfect, but Aaron wanted to break the tense mood.

“I have not, cheeky sod,” Robert said, and Aaron did that little chuckle under his breath Robert loved. Aaron got up and walked closer to him, putting the flat of his hand against Robert’s chest. Robert moved to kiss him, but Aaron turned his head away.

“Can we not kiss any more?” Robert asked, almost broken at the rejection.

“I can,” Aaron said. “But I need your word that it won’t turn into anything more, because I don’t feel ready, Robert.”

“I promise,” Robert said, meaning it. “I can’t promise that my body won’t react to you being close to me, it’s been a long time, but I won’t act on it.” Aaron considered for a moment, then nodded. They both sat on the sofa and sunk into deep loving kisses, Aaron relaxing much more now that he had Robert’s reassurance it wouldn’t go further. They ended up laying against each other, Robert on top and Aaron felt safe. Robert was all around him, invading his personal space completely and he felt safe. That was not a small thing.

Their lips parted for a moment and Aaron let out the most delicious noise. A quiet “mm…” before returning for more. Robert fought the urge to devour him, because Aaron had explicitly said he couldn’t cope with it. To know Aaron was enjoying the touch would be enough for him, it had to be. He wouldn’t hurt him by doing anything otherwise. Aaron twisted away and Robert stopped, not sure what he wanted. Because he instinctively knew Aaron was enjoying himself, but he wouldn’t push.

“I’m not saying stop,” Aaron whispered, correctly reading him. “You used to like this…” Aaron trailed his own fingers down his neck suggestively and Robert nodded as his heart jolted. He took it slow, kissing and licking and gently biting Aaron’s sensitive neck the way he liked before. He didn’t have to see Aaron’s eyes to know they were closed, enjoying this. One of Aaron’s hands twined in his hair, keeping him close. Robert couldn’t pull away even if he wanted to, which he didn’t. Aaron’s other hand stroked his back gently, exploring the skin more tentatively than ever before. Robert worked his way back up Aaron’s neck until he kissed his lips gently.

“Okay?”

“Okay,” Aaron replied. They could both feel Robert’s arousal, hard against Aaron’s hip but neither of them commented on it. They just lay there, holding each other in the quiet.


	8. Chapter 8

Aaron hated therapy. He hated talking about intimate details and he hated the personal conversations he had to have with a stranger. But he wanted things right, and he wanted Robert which was the only reason he kept going. They hadn’t had sex since their wedding night and even though Robert was covering it up well, Aaron could tell he was feeling the strain. And Aaron wanted him too, he wanted to have sex with his husband. Why did that have to be so confusing and feel wrong?

“How was your sex life before you went to prison?” his therapist asked. Aaron thought about that for a moment. All the words he wanted to say, he couldn’t possibly to a complete stranger. Unbelievable. Passionate. Perfect. Honest.

“Good,” he settled on instead. “Very good. I erm… we started as an affair, so in the beginning sex is all it was.” Aaron zoned out, thinking to himself. He’d been abused before and had been able to have a very healthy sex life, so logic said he could do it again. It would just take time.

* * *

 

“I want to try something.” Aaron was chewing his bottom lip anxiously and Robert waited. They were in their bedroom and Aaron looked nervous.

“I can’t read your mind,” Robert said. “Just say it.”

Aaron sighed heavily. “I want… to I don’t know, try to touch you.” Robert stood still as Aaron got closer, his hands starting to unbutton Robert’s shirt. Robert kept as still as he possibly could, aware Aaron’s hands were shaking slightly.

“You don’t have to prove a point,” Robert said.

“I want to touch you,” Aaron said. “I’m just not sure how much I can cope with. I need to be in control, Robert.”

“I know,” Robert said. “I understand, you know I do.” Aaron nodded once and let his fingers run down the strip of skin his open shirt revealed. They both pulled Robert’s shirt off together before Aaron’s hands returned to his body. The shaking had faded now, like he was getting more confidence as he continued to touch his husband. Aaron hesitated at Robert’s belt, stroking his stomach and thinking. Robert didn’t say anything, but his breathing hitched as Aaron’s fingers unbuckled his belt.

“Aaron…” Robert said quietly, warningly.

“I’m okay.” He kissed Robert gently, trying to show him that he wasn’t lying, he was okay. As they carried on kissing, Aaron undid his jeans, pushing them down a little, so he could run his hands over his arse and thighs, those thighs Aaron loved so much. Aaron’s touch was so good Robert deepened the kiss and wrapped his arms around Aaron who just moaned at the sensation. Neither cared that Aaron was still pretty much fully dressed. To be held and kissed and loved like this felt incredibly good. Robert moved, pushing Aaron backwards to the nearest wall, all the time they stayed kissing, quietly moaning. It was when Robert’s hand went to the back of his neck, holding him close that Aaron froze. Robert pulled back, eyes opening slowly. Aaron had started shaking and Robert dropped his hands instantly, pulling his jeans up from where they’d gathered around his thighs.

“You’re safe,” Robert said lowly, backing up a step. Aaron’s eyes were wild but he didn’t want to go too far away from him, just in case. “I won’t touch you if you don’t want.”

“I can’t…” Aaron breathed. “I just can’t…”

“Tell me what you need,” Robert said, fighting to stay calm. He hadn’t realised he was pushing in the wrong direction, Aaron had initiated it, and been enjoying it, but now the tears were running down his face, making Robert feel like such an idiot. Aaron’s knees gave out, and he starting sliding down the wall. Robert caught him, helping him get to the floor without hurting himself. 

Aaron just lay in a pile on the floor sobbing. Robert tentatively stroked his back and Aaron didn’t tense under the attention, so he kept doing it. “I’m not going to hurt you,” Robert soothed. “You’re safe.”

* * *

 

“It was the wall.” They had gone downstairs and were sat around the kitchen table, Robert having made them tea once Aaron had calmed down. Which didn't actually take long for him to cry all his tears out. “You pushed me against the wall, and the hand on the back of my neck made me feel like I couldn’t move.”

Robert looked down at the table, feeling guilty, and hating that Aaron had to explain what he’d done wrong. He hated even more that Aaron had had to live through it in the first place.

“I don’t know how to help you,” Robert admitted.

“You do help,” Aaron said, reaching across the table to hold his hand. “I should have… I don’t know. It was instant. I was enjoying myself, then I wasn’t. But you do help.” Robert let their fingers tangle together for a few moments.

“Do you want to sleep in the spare room?,” Robert asked, wondering if Aaron wanted to be alone.

“Definitely not.”

“Aaron…

“I would tell you,” Aaron said. “But honestly, I feel safer with you. I had a meltdown, I’m okay.” Aaron looked as though he was being honest and Robert didn’t argue. It didn’t make him feel any less guilty for earlier, though.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is coming to an end, I just don't know how many chapters it will take! Thank you so much for reading this far, and all the support.

Aaron had made the decision that he was going to leave the Woolpack and move into the Mill permanently. Robert had said often that if Aaron ever felt the need to sleep in the spare room, that all he had to do was say. Robert would never hold it against him, which Aaron appreciated. He’d been fairly sure anyway, but hearing it out loud had helped.

So Aaron grabbed his things out of the pub, filling up a bag with his stuff that hadn’t made it over to the Mill yet. “Are you off then?” Chas asked in a falsely bright voice from the back room, hearing Aaron clomp down the stairs.

“Yeah,” he said. “Think it’s about time I moved in with them properly.”

“Can I have a word?” Chas asked.

“Why have I got the feeling that I’m not going to like this?” Aaron asked, sitting at the kitchen table and wrapping his hands around a cup of tea that was already waiting for him. Clearly Chas had been waiting for this conversation for a while. Chas shut the door and Aaron internally braced himself for what was coming.

“What?” Aaron asked.

“Why’ve you been staying here?” she asked.

“I haven’t,” Aaron said. “Not all the time, anyway.”

“Aaron,” Chas said, not being put off.

“Mum, I needed somewhere safe,” Aaron said honestly. “The Mill might be home, but it was a strange place for me. Don’t make me feel guilty for needing here.”

“I’m not,” Chas said. “I have to ask. It’s been going over and over in my mind and I just… I have to. Were you… hurt in prison?”

“What, was it supposed to be the time of my life?” Aaron said sarcastically.

“Aaron, please just…”

“That’s not what you’re asking,” Aaron said, taking a sip of his tea. “If you say it, I’m not going to fall apart.”

“Were you... raped?” Chas paused before the word, she couldn’t help it.

“Mum, you’ve got a big mouth,” Aaron said. “I do not want everyone knowing, I like people not knowing. And this isn’t like last time, no good could come of letting everyone know.” Chas looked appalled but he could tell she was trying to keep herself together. “This is not your fault, mum.”

“Tell me Robert knows,” Chas said.

“Of course he knows,” Aaron said. “I barely even had to tell him, he could tell just from looking at me when I came home from prison.”

“Oh love…” Chas had started crying and that’s the last thing Aaron wanted.

“I’m okay,” Aaron said. “I’ve got through it before, I’ll get through it again.”

“You shouldn’t have to!” Chas shouted, way too loudly.

“Mum!” Aaron hissed. “I’m doing okay, I’m getting help.”

“You should have told me,” Chas said, shaking her head. “I’m supposed to protect you, I’m your mum.”

“Stop it,” Aaron said, biting hard into his bottom lip. “I didn’t need to tell you, because I told Robert. I know you’re my mum, but he’s the one I need now. I know you don’t always agree with Robert, but he is taking care of me. And I’m not falling apart the way I was last time either.”

“I can see that,” Chas said, though she still looked upset. Aaron let her hug him for uncounted minutes.

“I will be okay,” Aaron said, genuinely believing that as they pulled apart. “I don’t want everyone knowing. If Liv found out, I’d…”

“How does she not know?” Chas asked.

“Because I don’t want her to,” Aaron said. “I mean it, please. Just let me be.”

“Okay,” she said, hugging him again. “I just want you to be happy and safe.”

“I’m working on both,” Aaron said with a small smile.

* * *

 

A couple of days later, Aaron and Robert were curled up on the sofa together, watching a film on the telly. Something that Liv had declared boring and left them alone. Which meant they were both laying together, arms round each other, comfortable but not demanding. Robert knew Aaron was comfortable because he hadn’t tensed up once. It could almost be like it was before. In fact, both of them were getting a little more adventurous, Aaron’s hands pushing under clothes and stroking skin.

They could both feel Aaron, hard and aroused against Robert’s leg, the proximity to his husband doing more for him than he‘d expected. “Whatever you want,” Robert said quietly, letting Aaron take the lead. Aaron shifted slowly until he straddled Robert’s thigh. Robert held him as Aaron started grinding against his leg, groaning with pleasure. Robert couldn’t help but stare at Aaron’s face, they were so closely pressed together he could see every flicker of pleasure, of want. Right now, Robert couldn’t have moved away from him if his life had depended on it, seeing Aaron enjoying himself like this. It had been quite some time.

Aaron rocked his hips against Robert, biting his bottom lip to stop from whimpering with need. Robert wanted to pull his bottom lip free from his teeth, but didn’t want to do anything to break the spell. Instead he held Aaron as he kept writhing against Robert’s body. God, this man did look fantastic when the lust was coursing through him, it was a sight Robert could never get bored of. One he’d been starving of for too long. His hips started moving erratically, and Robert knew he was close. With one more thrust against Robert’s thigh, Aaron came with a groan.

“Oh, oh God…” his eyes were heavy lidded, the satisfaction clear on his face, but Robert knew he didn’t have long before Aaron realised what he‘d been doing. Robert kissed him very gently, as Aaron came down off his high, and suddenly his eyes starting darting around in a panic. Had he really just done that? Used Robert‘s thigh to get off against?

“Don’t be embarrassed,” Robert soothed, stroking his hair gently and keeping his voice light. “That feel good?”

Aaron focused his eyes on Robert’s, blue and open and knew he wasn’t being judged. It calmed him down. “Yeah. That felt really good,” he admitted.

“Good,” Robert said, stroking his back.

“What about you?” Aaron whispered.

“I’m fine,” Robert lied. He was harder than he’d been in weeks, months possibly, from seeing Aaron come like that, so close to him. But he didn’t want Aaron to think he had to do anything he didn’t want to. But Aaron’s hands quickly unbuckled his belt.

“Aaron…”

“Come on,” Aaron said. “I know you’re desperate.” Whatever words he’d been going to say were lost in the feel of Aaron palming him through his underwear.

“Mm…” Robert groaned, head rolling backwards, Aaron grinning. The way he used to before it all got screwed up. “Oh, like that,” Robert whispered. “Yeah, oh….” Robert came very quickly, it had been so long since Aaron’s hands were on him and he stroked Robert through it.

They were both breathing incredibly loudly, staring into each others eyes intimately, neither wanting to look away. Unable to look away.

“I love you,” Aaron said.

“I love you.” Robert stroked his hair gently. “I think we need a shower.”

“Not yet.” Aaron felt too happy and safe in Robert’s arms to give that up right at this second.

“Okay. Not yet.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the last chapter. It feels like an appropriate place to end it. Thank you so much for your comments and Kudos on this fic, it's meant so much to me!!

They showered together, both of them a little hesitant, a little unsure. It was the first time they’d seen the other completely naked since _before._ Aaron stood still, this time letting Robert take control as he washed them. Robert focused on Aaron’s face, making sure that he doesn’t touch anything wrong. But Aaron’s breathing was light, easy and his face free of pain and relaxed. So Robert guessed he was doing something right. They both got into bed naked too, something else that hadn’t happened since before. Robert wrapped Aaron up in his arms, and they lay skin to skin, still slightly damp from the shower. It felt comfortable and intimate and good. Eventually they both managed to sleep, still wrapped around each other.

* * *

 

“I need to talk to you,” Aaron said one afternoon. They were alone, by design, and Aaron knew this was going to be an awkward conversation but he‘d been putting it off. “My therapist thinks I need to talk with you about… stuff that triggers me.”

“Okay,” Robert said slowly. He’d almost been waiting for something like this to come up, so it didn’t surprise him.

“She… well, she thought you should come to therapy with me for one session, but I said no.”

“Why?” Robert asked, sitting opposite him

“Because this is difficult enough,” Aaron said. “We all know I’m not great talking about things like this, it… felt like an extra pressure I didn’t want.”

“So… triggers?” Robert suggested, trying to tread carefully. But then, Aaron had brought this subject up in the first place. “Look, Aaron, we can go as slow as you need,” he added as Aaron seemed to not want to start.

“You won’t live a sexless life, I know you won’t,” Aaron said sadly.

“I’d rather that, than a life without you,” Robert said seriously. Aaron scoffed. “I mean it, I missed you so much when you were inside. And I know you had the worst possible time, I know that. But that doesn’t mean I missed you any less.”

“Robert, I know sex is so important to you,” Aaron said.

“I like sex,” Robert said honestly. “I _love_ you.” Aaron didn’t look convinced. “Anyway, don’t give me any of that crap, I know you enjoyed the other night.”

“Yeah, I did,” Aaron said, smiling slightly.

“Just talk to me,” Robert said. “I’d hate to do anything that made you feel trapped back there again. But I can't know unless you talk.”

Aaron nodded, then took a shaky breath. “I need you to always face me. I need to see you like that so I know it’s you and I know that I’m safe.”

“Okay,” Robert said seriously.

“I can’t be pinned down,” Aaron said, swallowing uncomfortably. “I know we did it before, but… not now.”

“I get it,” Robert said. Aaron looked at him and knew that he did, for as much as someone who hadn’t gone through it personally ever could.

“I do want you,” Aaron said. “I’m just scared to want you, does that make any sense at all?”

“Yeah, of course it does.” Robert’s heart was breaking, looking at Aaron. At the man he loved so much, having to deal with all this. “Can I hold you?” Aaron nodded and they end up wrapped around each other as they both try to calm down from the emotionally charged conversation. Robert put his hand on the back of Aaron’s neck, pulling him close before he remembered how Aaron had reacted last time his hand had been there. “Sorry,” he said, sliding his hand up into Aaron’s hair for reassurance.

“It’s okay,” Aaron said, pulling back. “It was… how hard you clutched me there last time. It is okay.” Robert nodded as they parted.

“Mum knows,” Aaron said quietly.

“You told her?” he asked in surprise.

“She asked me. I didn’t lie,” Aaron said. “I also didn’t fall apart when we discussed it. So therapy must be doing something for me, eh?”

“Are you going to keep going?”

“I think I have to,” Aaron said. “I’m a bit screwed up in case you haven’t noticed.” Robert smiled, gripping his hand tightly.

“But you’re mine,” Robert said, and he kissed him lightly. Aaron smiled.

* * *

 

That night, Aaron turned to Robert in bed, needing him with almost a desperation. It was like their conversation earlier had given Aaron some kind of reassurance that he hadn’t even known he’d needed. Unlocking something deep inside Aaron that wanted to be wanted. Robert was very careful, but after a few minutes it became clear that Aaron didn’t want careful. Afterwards, when they were both sated and regaining their breath, Robert knew he needed to ask if he was okay, he wouldn’t be able to fully relax without that reassurance.

“Aaron?”

“Shut up,” Aaron said, a smile in his voice. Robert grinned.


End file.
